26.2.10

be Gut Or be Bad ??

Dari semalam aku layan dota start dari pukul 8pm sampai la pukul 5am tadi, sambil-sambil tu adalah yang terlintas di minda sempena maulidul rasul ni then somehow i was thinking of this two very ending of the journey. kemana kita akan pergi? depending from the path i took now. certainly hell. however i was trying to find something inside me that been missing in me for a very long time. apa dia dan di mana iya? why does it gone. i don't really know. but some of us could call it "religion". in which part of my religion is missing in me? all of them. sometime i wonder do i deserve to have a my card with islam religion there? i still here in the dark looking for the path which will lead me to heaven.

kadang-kadang ada yang gelar aku sebagai zealot..ntah apa tu,bunyi macam alien, some people know me as free thinker(atheist). why? mungkin sebab latar belakang aku. perhaps many of you guys didn't know. so let me tell you the story of me. way before i was in form 4. i was confront with some heavy family and emotional problem. despite all the stressed situation i was listening to a music genre called black metal which is loud and blurry sound. i was so intrested with the lyrics. because it was unclearly spoken and can't catch up. so surf up the internet.sana la aku jumpa beribu-ribu links regarding their ideology. from there. i started to doubt about everything. from my religion to my existence. even afterlife matters. i did some research on my own. i don't know where the spirit came from. but i can feel that something is inspiring me and derived me to seek for something that i don't know. i do and after some ritual i'd done. i was ready. to be the next demon. why i said that even i know i am a human? because the demon job is to bring the people to the road of lust. i did. i became active in fighting and debating on religious issues. main weapon is ordinary logic. yes. that is the weapon. and how do i win in the battle which i fought one "imam". by manipulating the enemy mind. after some tweaks he lose. and called for one "ustaz" to confront me. at this point started to be lazy. i didn't even fight with him. because i know the same thing they would talk. the basis in their speech will be always spiritual supremacy. let me tell you something. ordinary people have two kind of thinking. one is afraid of new things and start rejecting solely. while the other one is they easily believe in something that is easily seen(logic thinking). as far as i concern. this two type of people is what we are. only a few of the living human is not in this two kind. that kind of people i would called "sufi". why? because they the one who know about their religion and can combine logic and spiritual into one invincible shield. they can't be manipulate by my words and my skills. wow. this is the one that defeat me in speech. they turned me into speechless. i can't fight even one word from them. at that point i was changing again. i became more silenced. i became an observer of the world. i observe and analyze the scenario happen. that is the turning point. i know there is god and what is the used of religion. i stopped from diverging people from their own religion. i became someone who is natural. i believe there is god. but i just kept searching god in my life. in anyway. i want to meet the meaning of religion and god by learning. let it be thousands years. but i rather learning and knowing the reason why am i called islam. and so on. i don't want to become some bitch who say they are islam but in the same time they didn't know about it. they just do what they've been told by someone. such a jerk isn't it? i want to know and i'm learning now. bit by bit. let is slow and steady flow rather then some religous pathethic followers who blindly follows. i believe this kind of blind people is the one who destructing their own religion.

-sigh-

however there is still one question. if i'm not longer that kind of atheist people. but yet i'm still not real islam. i mean. i still not practising a lot of my prayer. i still do a lot of bad things. what am i? i still can't answer that question. everyday waking and asking the same question. where will my life journey ends? hell or heaven? could posibbly one day i find the answer of life?? no one knows because tommorow is the new dawn with a new step to take. always..and now just thinking aku ni baik ka jahat..aku rasa jahat la..


the path i take is dark and cold. the end is unknown.
but i'm willing to walk it. meet me in the end~

1 comment:

  1. neraka la kau jwpnnye..muahaha...

    ReplyDelete